Time to "Get Your Story Straight" as the hilariously famous NFL commercials say.

OK. Here we go. My pre-season predictions, annotated to reflect history. We start with my local heroes from Washington and spin through the rest of the league.

Redskins, 7-9
The defense will be better, but even if it is 15 slots better (and that's a lot!), they are still just 16th. Not enough to make them playoff caliber. There's no chance Clinton Portis plays a full 16-game season. No. Chance. This is not me going out on a limb. The O-line is in danger of finally collapsing. Chris Samuels and Jon Jansen have been good/great together for about seven full years. That doesn't last forever, people.

Jason Campbell is going to be exhilarating when he throws downfield. But, I also feel that he has a hard time feeling NFL pocket pressure and exposes himself to too many dump truck-like shots. When it's all said and done, there will be enough three- to seven-point losses for fans to say "Well, if we just could have flipped this, that, and the other one, we would have been 10-6!" That's what every 7-9 team can say. They are in position to get better this year; will they have enough patience to do it again in '08?
NOTE: I was wrong about the defense not being good enough to be playoff caliber. It was, and that included the death of its best player. However, the other stuff is pretty good. Except for the Portis thing. Sorry Clinton. 16 for 16. I'll shut my mouth now.

Division By Division

NFC East

Philadelphia: Like the battery on Robert Conrad's shoulder, "Go ahead, knock it off."
NOTE: Failed to account for McNabb's knee injury bothering him so long into the season.

Dallas: Good Romo. Bad Romo! Goooood Romo. Baaad Romo!
NOTE: About sums up the season, doesn't it?

Washington: Campbell's learning curve takes full shape.
NOTE: He was really rounding into a nice QB when he got hurt.

N.Y. Giants: They'll regret a lot of things, especially bringing Strahan back.
NOTE: Comically bad prediction here. Cue the NFL Network promo.

NFC North

Chicago: Once Griese replaces Rex for good, they'll wonder why it took so damn long.
NOTE: Oh, no they won't. So much for "on paper" everybody "being back."

Detroit: I'm a sucker for Mike Martz. Might end up with a top-five offense.
NOTE: Key word: "sucker."

Green Bay: Can Mr. Low-INT Favre return for one more year?
NOTE: Yes he can, and THEN some! Wow.

Minnesota: Explaining their "plan" would take a whole chalkboard.
NOTE: Replace "plan" with "Tavaris Jackson's Game" and I'm spot on.

NFC South

Atlanta: Shocking revelation: Vick WAS the problem, not the solution.
NOTE: Actually, Bobby Petrino was the problem. The players hated him, and resented the fact that their star player was going to jail for a crime they considered no worse than jaywalking.

Carolina: O-Line still not good enough to make Delhomme comfy.
NOTE: Understatement! Jake practically got killed and missed almost all of the season!

New Orleans: Life with a bulls-eye on your back sucks. Back to the drawing board.
NOTE: Gimme some DAP people. I was the only one out there predicting a hard fall.

Tampa Bay: Gruden's last days. Welding Garcia onto a bad team won't cut it.
NOTE: Nope, and nope. Nice try though, baldy!

NFC West

San Francisco: Sharp dressed coach, young hungry team. It's time.
NOTE: Did Peter King write this one, or was that really my keyboard?

St. Louis: Prolific offense can't offset a developing D.
NOTE: Tsunami of injuries made anybody's take on the '07 Rams irrelevant.

Arizona: Will still stuff fantasy box scores, but they are still the Cards.
NOTE: Do I know these Cardinals, or do I know these Cardinals? Huh?

Seattle: The bottom falls out, and Holmgren's head explodes in sideline rage.
NOTE: The bottom was falling out, until Holmgren canceled the Shawn Alexander show and reverted to an Air Coryell imitation. Half right.

AFC East

New England: Can Belichick screw up a loaded boat? Not likely.
NOTE: Well, he ALMOST did "screw it up" with SpyGate. Had the evidence been more damning, who knows if an actual suspension might have blown a chunk in their season?

Miami: Watch what having a decent QB does for this team.
NOTE: Yeah, just WATCH what happens, baby! Um, just let me know when they DO get that good quarterback. Then WATCH OUT buddy!

Buffalo: J.P. Losman's year to take a massive step forward.
NOTE: "... into a manhole cover that his career may never emerge from." Yikes. How bad was this one? Beat out by a rookie mid-rounder from a winless academic school. J.P., call your agent.

NY Jets: Hit an inside straight last year. Cards turn cold this year.
NOTE: Amen, brother! Airtight prediction.

AFC North

Baltimore: Defense always pays off, and McGahee adds new dimension.
NOTE: McGahee was good, but defense collapsed. Should have seen it coming.

Pittsburgh: Tomlin's first-year bound to have some challenges.
NOTE: Not a very risky statement, but certainly true with all the injuries.

Cleveland: You'll see elements of a real team by season's end.
NOTE: Actually, happened much sooner. Nice call here by me, if I do say so myself.

Cincinnati: NFL's bad boys finally come apart at the seams.
NOTE: Not a radical declaration, but still right down the middle correct.

AFC South

Indianapolis: Can a 10-6 year be called a "struggle." No cakewalk for the Colts.
NOTE: I got the record wrong, but 13-3 was tough sledding with all the injuries.

Houston: Matt Schaub brings badly needed calm in the pocket.
NOTE: Did I say "Schaub" or "Rosenfels?" Could this be a typo?

Tennessee: Step back year for Vince Young. Come back Pac-Man!
NOTE: I was maybe the only one who nailed the Vince thing. You can apologize now. The Madden Cover curse strikes again.

Jacksonville: Trust me, David Garrard ain't the answer either.
NOTE: Trust me, I'm from the government. Trust me, I'm here to help. Trust me, the check is in the mail. Trust me, I AM A TOTAL IDIOT! After stellar play in loss to Pats, I am in full-fledged man love with David Garrard. Sorry to doubt you, man.

AFC West

San Diego: Even Norv can't screw this up, not that he won't
do things to try.
NOTE: Yes sir. Bleak early, rallies late. Good job, Coach Mumbles!

Denver: I'm not exactly ready to erect the Jay Cutler statue outside of Invesco Field yet.
NOTE: So-so call here. Cutler wasn't really the problem, and Brandon Marshall has exploded. Paging Javon Walker, paging Javon Walker!

Oakland: Not good, but somewhat surprisingly better than free falling Kansas City.
NOTE: Okay, both teams finished 4-12. Can I declare victory however on the basis of a one-game better record in the AFC? Please? Pretty please!

Kansas City: Huard comes back to earth, LJ finds the running tough, and Herm is Herm.
NOTE: Ring-a-ding-ding. I could see the o-line problems coming in KC while sitting at my desk here in Washington.

PLAYOFF PICTURE
NFC
Chicago 12-4
Philly 11-5
San Fran 11-5
Atlanta 10-6
WC: Dallas 10-6
WC: St. Louis 9-7

NOTE: Two words: "Horror" and "Show." Look away, please. Look away.

AFC
New England 13-3
Baltimore 12-4
San Diego 12-4
Indianapolis 10-6
WC: Pittsburgh 9-7
WC: Denver 9-7

NOTE: Got 4 out of 6 teams right. Not terrible.

Conference Championships
Chicago over San Francisco
New England over San Diego
NOTE: AFC bracket final is looking pretty tasty for me right now. Just ignore that stench from the NFC side, if you will.

Super Bowl Champion: New England
Note: Yep. I'm really out on a limb here. Patriots. Makes me sick to say it, but there's no reason to out-think yourself.