I could be wrong, but I notice more infomercials hit the airwaves during the holiday season. And time and time again, their formulaic pitch make me giggle.
I love the hyper-caffeinated and enthusiastic paid studio audience. I love the usually British or Australian gadget expert host (the exception is Billy, the "Home Improvement" knock-off guy, he bugs the crap out of me). I love his exasperated sidekick, a moderately attractive spokesmodel who plays the part of the consumer liaison. And I love the ridiculously, not-that-competitive installment pricing, complete with super extra bonus items and suspiciously high "shipping and handling" charges.
But more than anything, I love the "frustrated" actor, the one who illustrates what life was like before the magic can opener, the pasta express cooker, the Rotato or the improved gift wrapping cutter.
It always begins with the same pitch:
"Do you hate when pasta spills all over the sink as you fumble between pot and colander?"
"Do you hate busting your knuckles as you try to open that stuck jar?"
"Do you waste yards and yards of wrapping paper using a dull, ordinary scissors?"
"In this busy world, do you wish you spent more time eating onions and less time chopping them?
I could go on and on, but the imagery, to me, is funnier than even these ridiculous inquiries.
The victim, usually shot in grainy black and white at some extreme angle, is having the world's hardest time doing household tasks that aren't really that hard, even to fat-fingered bulls in the china shop like myself. The montage usually ends up with the actor near tears, yanking at his or her hair, or pouting hopelessly at the camera.
"Cutting an onion is soooo hard!!"
But apparently, these infomercials work. While I can say the only time I ever ordered a product from TV was at about 3 a.m. in college, when I got suckered into a 20-disc '80 music compilation (I canceled it when I "came to my senses" the next morning), I have put a pretty good-sized dent into the "As Seen On TV" display at Target and Walgreens.
Why? Because it's kinds of fun to buy stupid crap and see if it works.
Here are some ridiculous products I've purchased, and a short review of each:
- Magic Bullet blender (mostly sucks, except for whipping cream or grating really hard cheeses)
- Sobakawa buckwheat pillow (totally sucks, threw it away long time ago)
- Space-saving vacuum bags (OK, but not nearly as thin as infomercial makes them out to be)
- Rotating stackable cupboard containers (not bad, but cheaply made)
- Pancake puff pan (new gift this year, pretty cool)
- Black light dog pee detector (totally useless)
- Grip 'n' Flip spatula (works great)
Andy is the president, publisher and founder of OnMilwaukee. He returned to Milwaukee in 1996 after living on the East Coast for nine years, where he wrote for The Dallas Morning News Washington Bureau and worked in the White House Office of Communications. He was also Associate Editor of The GW Hatchet, his college newspaper at The George Washington University.
Before launching OnMilwaukee.com in 1998 at age 23, he worked in public relations for two Milwaukee firms, most of the time daydreaming about starting his own publication.
Hobbies include running when he finds the time, fixing the rust on his '75 MGB, mowing the lawn at his cottage in the Northwoods, and making an annual pilgrimage to Phoenix for Brewers Spring Training.
