Initiating anything can be a challenge for those on the shy end of the spectrum. Initiating a conversation with someone you're interested in or initiating that first (usually awkward) kiss can make you feel like you may need to swallow your own stomach first. Initiating sex is likely one of the tougher ones, because being rejected in the bedroom can scar your ego and self esteem for some time. Yet we do all of these things based on how much we want the payoff if it goes well.
When it comes to initiation in relationships, the balance often seems lopsided. It's not always severe, but usually one person will take the reins in this area and its business as usual.
If you're the initiator, however, are you left longing for the element of surprise in your sex life? When you know that sex isn't happening until you get things started, maybe it doesn't matter how the rest of the sex goes because you knew it wouldn't have gone anywhere if you hadn't gotten the ball rolling.
If it begins to weigh on you enough that you start to wonder if you two would ever have sex if you never initiated again or if it starts to make you debate the level of desire coming from your partner, then it's time to talk about it.
I'm sure it's tempting to try a little experiment and refuse to initiate -- just to see what will happen -- but I would advise against it. You aren't giving the other person a fair shot; you're pulling the rug out from under them and most likely making them wonder what the hell is wrong, which isn't going to give he or she a whole lot of confidence to throw themselves at you.
Sometimes, not being the initiator isn't about shyness or lack of interest at all, it's about experience. If you've never had to initiate the first kiss, first make-out session or sex, then the mindset could just be... "I've never had to in the past, it's always just happened."
Sure it's a bit of a copout, but if you've only had to show up and sex was there waiting, why would you get on track to assume anything else? If you're like me and have honestly never really had the need to initiate sex (those of you that are rolling your eyes, just hold your horses), it might be high time to turn the tables a little or at the very least even them out.
When you're in a newer relationship, maybe this topic isn't something that either of you has felt that comfortable bringing up, or you simply haven't noticed because you're too busy screwing like rabbits to care. However, new relationship or not, when you get to the point of chatting about this stuff, if it's an issue for one or the other of you, don't hesitate to bring it up, but a word to the wise, tread carefully.
It's not always easy to hear even the most constructive criticism when it comes to sex. Each of us would like to believe we're gods in the sack and it's not fun or a turn-on to hear we aren't meeting the needs of the person we're sleeping with. The littlest remark can cut much deeper than you'd expect. So don't wait until you're fuming about this. Bring it up when you're both sober and even-keeled.
If you can manage being the sex initiator in your relationship but cannot seem to get yourself to say what you need to, turn it into foreplay; "I really love it when you..." or "It'd be so hot to come home some night and you're..." whatever. If it seems more like you're describing a fantasy, it can be much less painful to hear. Because trust me, busting out of the gates with "How come you never initiate sex?" will not only get you nowhere with a response, it will likely ensure that you do not have sex for a while, no matter who's initiating.
Alcohol can certainly assist those of us that are "initiation challenged." You're inhibitions are lowered and you're willing to put aside shyness or fear of rejection. Plus, it's no secret that alcohol does something to most of our libidos as well. However, if the only time you're willing to pounce on your guy or girl is when you're under the influence, it can make them feel like that's the only way they will ever get that strong desire out of you. It's as if the only time you want them badly enough to put yourself out there is after happy hour or a three-martini lunch. A glass of wine is one thing, but relying on alcohol will only work for so long and could leave you with a drinking problem, depending on the nature of your sex life.
Yes, it's not always easy to say or show -- "I want you... now" -- no matter how true it may be. But if you want to be with this person, you trust them and they've shown you a number of times, perhaps every other time you've had sex with them, that they want you, maybe it's time to shock the hell out of him or her and initiate sex when they are least expecting it. (Which in theory, could probably be any time.)
If you're the initiator, keep in mind that this is unfamiliar territory and any sign of rejection could send your partner even further from being comfortable with initiating with you. You wanted it, now embrace it and show your appreciation. Do so, and you could both benefit for a long time to come.
No, the OnMilwaukee.com sex columnist's real name is not Sarah Foster. (Foster is the model/actress that played an ex-lover of Vincent Chase in the first season of "Entourage.") In reality, our sex columnist is a Wisconsin native with a degree in journalism and a knack for getting people to talk to her.
Sarah never considered herself an "above average" listener. Others, however, seem to think differently. Perhaps she has a sympathetic tone or expression that compels people to share their lives and secrets with her despite how little they know her. Everyone from the girl that does her hair to people in line at the grocery store routinely spill the details of their lives and relationships to Sarah, unprompted but typically not unwanted. It’s strange to her that people would do this, but she doesn’t mind. Sarah likes that she can give advice even if it is to complete strangers.
So why the pseudonym? Simple. People tell Sarah these things because for some reason they trust her. They believe she cares and therefore will keep their secrets in a locked vault the same way a best friend or therapist would. Sarah won't name names, but that vault is now unlocked.
