Has America had two better days than Sunday and Monday? First, the New England Patriots lose on the world's greatest stage to end the weekend, and now Monday night's episode of "The Bachelor" ended our national nightmare and gave Krystal and her lozenge-defying voice the boot. All we need now is news that all copies of the "Fifty Shades Freed" movie were destroyed in a fiery UPS truck accident, and this might just be the greatest week of all time. 

Arie and the women traveled to Paris ("The City of Love," as we're told every five minutes) this week, and after the remaining ladies are housed up in a big futuristic prison boat, Harrison drops by to say there will be four dates this week: two solo dates, one group date and our first two-on-one date. And even Krystal is immediately like, "Well, I wonder who'll be going on that last one with me." "The Bachelor" can't even pretend that any other situation could happen. So of course, she's selected for the two-on-one. But who with? Sassy Southern belle Tia? Bekah M. and her dynamite Krystal impression?

Nope, it's ... Kendall. The kooky taxidermy fan? Huh, well, this sure smells like doom.

So it's Krystal versus Kendall in the French Kountryside, as the two meet Arie in a beautiful mansion, gaze at artwork and then do their best "The Shining" impression in a hedge maze. Thank god Bumper Car Trauma Girl isn't around for this, because you just KNOW she has some haunted childhood memories of getting lost in a corn maze. 

After the three escape, the actual date proper begins with Arie first taking Krystal aside to talk about their fight last week, and while it's tense, the two seem to talk it out decently ... until Krystal begins talking about why she doesn't know why Kendall is there and why she believes she shouldn't be around. Never a strong strategy. Kendall gets word of this during her private time with Arie and decides to challenge Krystal in the most polite way possible, talking about how the two have a lot in common, how Krystal lashes out when she feels backed into a corner and how she's bravely endured a lot in her life. I appreciate you not going all Taylor versus Corinne and somehow becoming worse than the villain we hate, Kendall, but WHY ARE YOU USING YOUR MANNERS ON THIS WOMAN!? You are wasting all of your nice words on her. 

Arie joins the ladies, grabs the rose ... and determines he needs more time still (noooooo; leave Krystal in the maze and let's gooooo!). But at dinner later that night, in between some very loud wine slurps from Krystal, Arie makes his decision: Kendall gets to stay. USA! USA! USA! While Krystal stares a hole into the universe, stunned by the news, the women back on the prison cruise literally pop some champagne – and so did the rest of the country.

It seems borderline cruel to be this happy about eliminating a woman from the show who was introduced feeding and helping the homeless and having a tragic relationship with her brother, but unfortunately that side of Krystal got lost as "The Bachelor" pushed her harder and harder as a villain – and not of the fun variety. At least Corinne had cheesy pasta and bouncy castles. Krystal was just rude, catty and not all that clever; especially last night, you could feel the producers giving her more and more "sassy villain lines."

They just added to her sense of inauthenticity rather than make her a bad guy you love to hate. You just hated her and her prima donna sense of eternal victimhood and entitlement. She will not be missed (until next week's episode starts and we realize there are no other personalities or storylines on the show anymore). 

As for the group date, Arie and the women arrive at the Moulin Rouge for a date that, according to Arie, is "definitely for the women" – aka the women have to learn dance choreography and dress up in outrageous glorified lingerie for his amusement and pleasure. Yeah, really treating the women on this one, Arie. 

Anyways, while Arie wears a purple cape and hat that makes him look like The Phantom of the Opera's flamboyant magician brother-in-law, the women dance for his entertainment. But the choreography is besides the point since the important part will be the dinner date in the evening, with the rose recipient getting to perform on stage with Arie later that night. Honestly, that seems like more work than a reward. I'd be fine mailing it in on this date. Somebody else can have to learn choreography and do jazz hands in front of strangers in a sexy Big Bird costume.

Nevertheless, Bekah M. ends up winning and gets to perform on stage alongside Arie while the rest of the women are forced to sit in the audience with blank, defeated expressions on their faces as though they're having to watch "The Emoji Movie." It's brutal. 

Not as brutal, however, as the editing on Lauren B.'s one-on-one date with Arie strolling through Paris. She got the first date card, and boy did she seem doomed from the start, stone-cold quiet as the two walked around the city. Arie would notice a landmark. She'd say, "Wow." Resume deafening silence. In fairness to her, it's not like Arie is some master conversationalist; maybe her not "opening up" is just you being bad at starting smalltalk, dude. As the last surviving member of her tribe, the once thriving and prosperous Laurens, I'd give her some sympathy.

While the date seemed to spell doom, though, things turned around for Lauren B. at the dinner portion of the date. She opened up about her struggles with opening up while Arie brought up his relationship with another woman and how it ended suddenly when she suffered a miscarriage while he was away working – already a tripping point in their relationship – and supposedly broke up with him immediately after as a result.

So ... that's a lot. But also oddly not enough. The story sounds like just one side of a terrible breakup, and Arie doesn't exactly come off as empathetic as I think he wants to seem, kind of blaming it all on his ex when there seems to be more to the situation (like his commitment to travel and work). Not that we're owed explanations or a litigation of a private, pre-TV relationship ... but if Arie's going to bring it up and frame it as a sympathetic reason for trust issues, he should consider how he discusses it in front of the world and what that moment meant for all parties involved. 

But yeah, so that was a big thing to drop on a person whose most notable conversation point was, "Wow." But jokes aside, Lauren B. begins to open up – at least enough to earn the rose. 

Meanwhile, the final date of the night goes to Jacqueline, which gets off to a rocky start when Arie's fancy little red car dies 12 feet after picking her up. But that's OK, because Arie – car driver, master automobile whisperer – cracks open the hood, rolls up his sleeves ... and calls a taxi. Womp womp. Luckily, the actual date goes better as the two go shopping and just have a day meandering around Paris. And it seems lovely and fun ... until dinner arrives and the two start talking about how compatible their lives are. Plus, Arie says he thought Jacqueline was too intelligent for him, and she responds with a fun little double-take that screams, "Well, what the hell does that mean?"

Eventually Jacqueline starts crying for ... a reason? I guess she's concerned their chats got more intense than, "Paris is a city for love! Amazing!" but she gets a rose too, so no worries. After the official rose ceremony, she and six other women are off to Tuscany next week – a glorious place with no Krystal and hopefully some new, less annoying drama. Like, say, if somebody's boyfriend just HAPPENED to show up ... 

Gone

Jenna failed to snag a rose, so it's back to her regular job serving as Cersei's stunt double on "Game of Thrones." Chelsea also got the ax at the rose ceremony. She came out of the gates strong, but just never quite evolved into the character I think "The Bachelor" thought she was. A shame because, now that Krystal's gone, we're a little low on drama. 

Oh yeah, that reminds me: KRYSTAL'S GONE!

Contenders

1. Seinne

She speaks French too! I want her to win, but I also think not having to spend your life with Arie would also qualify as a win. 

2. Becca K. 

That first date feels like a year ago. Becca K. barely survived this week, receiving the final rose of the night, but I still think the show's just quietly keeping her on the bench as to not spoil the drama. It'd be nice if she made an impact again, though.

3. Nobody

Maybe it's because Arie is a black hole where chemistry is doomed to never escape, but I'm not seeing any matches here that survive the season. 

Pretenders

1. Lauren B.

She seemed to recover nicely from her early date awkwardness, but in the episode's final moments, Lauren B. is seen chatting ominously with ... somebody (a producer? A wall? One of Kendall's dead animals?) about how much she's freaking out about having the other women around and stressing her out. So that bodes poorly. 

2. Kendall

Kookiness only lasts so long on "The Bachelor" – and she's still the contestant who collects dead things. But she will always be my winner for helping eliminate Krystal.

3. Tia

I love Tia on this show, but that mystery boyfriend who shows up next week seems to have a Southern accent, and I feel like it might be her significant other. Oops. 

Line of the night

There weren't any champion lines Monday night – all of Krystal's attempts at villainy sass read like cue card material – so let's mix it up and say that the line of the night was turning "The Bachelor" into a drinking game where every time Arie said "amazing" or somebody called Paris "the city of love," you took a swig. I was blackout drunk before the first commercial break.