We're almost done, everybody. This very boring season of "The Bachelorette" is almost through, and we'll soon have our lives back. (Giving us plenty of time to see "The Spy Who Dumped Me," starring Mila Kunis and Kate McKinnon, only in theaters Aug. 3!)

But before Becca chooses her final man, ABC's gotta bring them all back to the studio for the Men Tell All special. All your favorite characters from the past season were there: Jason Fauxmoa, Grocery Joe, Chicken Man, Banker Chad, Poofy Haired Chad, um, a bunch of other Chads, everybody. Well, everyone but Lincoln – because Lincoln's nobody's favorite character. (Plus, the show's interested in beefs between bros, not beefs contestants, law enforcement and the ABC vetting department.) 

Obviously we saved the final rose ceremony for next week, but that doesn't mean we can't hand out our own winners and losers from Monday night's actually pretty entertaining Men Tell All episode. 

Winner: Chris Harrison

Look who finally had something to do this week! For this entire season, Harrison's job has been to show up for maybe 30 seconds, ask self-serving and obvious questions, and narrowly dodge having to give the birds and the bees talk to Colton. $60,000 AN EPISODE WELL SPENT, ABC! But tonight, he actually earned that money, asking anodyne questions to the dudes and introducing the blooper reel. OK, loose definition of "earn" – but hey, does it even qualify as a season of "The Bachelorette" if Harrison's not promising the "most incredible and shocking season you've seen yet"?

Loser: Krystal's voice

As always, about 50% percent of the Men Tell All is dedicated to bringing the cast back together to spill the dirt and 50% of the episode to plugging movies (like "The Spy Who Dumped Me," starring Mila Kunis and Kate McKinnon, only in theaters on Aug. 3!) and ABC shows – namely future "Bachelor" shows, which in this case is "Bachelor in Paradise." So Monday's show featured a few "Paradise" cast members in the crowd, like Krystal ... who talked like a completely normal human being. THE ASMR BABY VOICE WAS A LIE; I FEEL SO VINDICATED. (*spikes football*)

Winner: Jordan

Early on in the evening, during the 30-minute Jordan Firing Squad session, the divisive male model hollered, "These guys couldn't compete with the energy I was bringing." And like him or not, could you really argue against him? 

Jordan proved that he was the spark plug that made this season fitfully go, spouting off zingers at speeds so mind-blowing I was seeing the Millennium Falcon lightspeed lines off to the side of my TV screen. The man was breathing out insults and ridiculous braggadocio the way most people exhale carbon dioxide. This lunatic diva did not go gentle into that quiet night. He could not be contained.

And hot damn, if he didn't make a decent argument for himself, saying that he was having fun and was confident in himself. That the other guys couldn't handle that is on them. Everyone else got upset that he broke with the formula, that he was being silly (because who doesn't want a little silliness with their partner) and that he didn't respect the traditions of a reality television romance show. But you know what: That's what this show needs. More people breaking outside of the show's stodgy formulas. 

Plus, he got Grocery Joe's approval, and Grocery Joe is a saint man. 

Jordan made great TV, and this season was worse without him – and his time on the Men Tell All only further proved that. I just also never, never, never, ever want to meet him or have to interact with him in real life. 

Loser: Clay

Remember when I said everybody was there at the Men Tell All except for Lincoln? 

WHERE THE HELL IS CLAY!? What crime did Clay commit that kept him off the set? Being too charming and lovable? And if he's stuck in a hospital somewhere still recovering from his busted wrist – and broken heart – you're telling me we couldn't video chat him into the studio? IS THAT NOT WHY WE HAVE SKYPE? I demand congressional hearings into this matter. 

Winner: Chris R.

I thoroughly dreaded the idea of Chris R. popping back up at the Men Tell All. The guy was such a scourge when he became the villain on the show, becoming a rude buzzkill and a creeper. (At least it gave us a few good Wills reaction shots though.)

Thankfully, he agreed! He showed up at Monday's episode fully apologetic about his behavior on the show while making no excuses, just saying that he lost control of himself and acted like an idiot. And then he even brought in a gospel choir to sing an apology to Becca. Good on you – though he should've had the chorus bust out one of the 47 songs he wrote during his time on "The Bachelorette," too. 

Loser: Banker Chad

Some of the fun of the Men Tell All is seeing the dudes that you forgot existed come back on, wave to the crowd and then never speak again as nobody is interested in what they have to say about stuff they watched on TV like the rest of the audience. And for the most part, the Chads in the corner got that – especially Tan Suit Chad (maybe named Kamil?) who goofily owned up to being one of the early dismissals.

And then there was Banker Chad. (Supposedly named Christian, but honestly, who can know.) Banker Chad decided to challenge Jordan's model resume – and that was the end of Banker Chad. Pro tip #1: Don't challenge Jordan to a talking fight. You will lose. Pro tip #2: Don't question anyone's fashion or modeling prowess while wearing high-water suit pants. You've already lost. 

Winner: Grocery Joe

I admit that I was a little wary of the Grocery Joe meme, just another tedious case of the internet blowing up nothing into something because ... well, internet gonna internet. (See also: Barb from "Stranger Things.") But I have joined the Church of Grocery Joe after his delightfully unshowy, honest, small-talk devoid chat with Harrison. (Example: The Chicago native, describing his time on the show: "It was horrible!") HOW DID A REAL PERSON WIND UP ON THIS SHOW?! That's even more of an unbelievable vetting process mishap than a convict squeaking through!

Loser: Jean Blanc

Jean Blanc's most famous moment on this season of "The Bachelorette" was saying too much, telling Becca he loved her before deciding that, eh, oops, maybe I don't? So, of course, Jean Blanc learned nothing and spouted off way too much during the Men Tell All.

First, he tried to make a joke about Colton's virginity – only for that to backfire massively when Colton emotionally talked about feeling ashamed about it and the toxic masculinity that made him feel that way. (His candor about the latter made up for the fact that, for a guy who doesn't like talking about his virginity a lot, he sure talked about his virginity a lot.) Then, when Becca came out, he decided that HE was the wronged party in his fatal interaction and wanted clarification on what happened. Way to read the room after the Colton stuff, dude! I bet that cologne you gave Becca smelled like sweaty desperation and melted down "Bachelor in Paradise" audition tapes. 

Winner: Jason

I'll admit that I've been tough on Jason – probably because his slicked-back hair makes him look like a guy who's seen "The Wolf of Wall Street" and thinks Jordan Belfort is a god. But the guy came off like a total sweetheart of a saint Monday night, talking about how he thought he connection with Becca in all the ways one would want to connect with somebody, only to be wrong – but he still wishes her total happiness. Then there was his speech about acceptance (more on that in a second) and his lighthearted jokes about Buffalo and his supposed masterclass kissing skills. I don't think he'll be the next "Bachelor" ... but this made a fine audition. 

Loser: Garrett

Garrett wasn't there, obviously ... but didn't Jason's big full-throated speech about how he loves and values his gay brother and his husband, and how he has complete and utter respect for all people of all kinds feel like a bit of a jab at Garrett's questionable social media history? I like it. 

Winner: Peter from Madison

Right now, there's no clear and obvious pick for the next "Bachelor." Blake could be it, depending on how bad he gets his heart broken next week, but he might also be too young and damaged for the fantasy "The Bachelor" tries selling. Then there's Wills, who would not only give the show its far-too-late first black "Bachelor" but also this:

I’m living for Wills’ reactions rn #TheBachelerotte #MenTellAll pic.twitter.com/2TsGvkp4q2 — Carly (@Carly_ems) July 31, 2018

My prediction, however? I think they pull Peter from Madison out of reality show retirement. We didn't have any Wisconsin at all this season, so ABC, you owe us this.

Loser: Becca

I'm just saying this episode got very boring and pedestrian when Becca showed up and gave everybody either uneventful answers or, in the case of Colton, LIES. When the Colton and Tia drama got brought up, she said that Tia's confession played no part in her decision, and I call infinite amounts of BS on that. Then she said that when she left the dinner table after Colton's virginity admission, she did so not to make him feel bad but because she really wanted to take the time to think about how to handle the information. WELL YOU SUCCEEDED WITH THE FORMER!

Winner: Math

Software engineer John didn't say much Monday night – probably because he was too focused on breaking down the science behind Jordan's Tinder claims. Here's a live look at that:

When he finally spoke up and revealed the results of his findings, however, all that math was totally worth it. You made a grave mistake, Becca. HE COULD'VE BEEN DOING YOUR TAXES FOREVER, BECCA. You think Garrett can do the taxes? Garrett probably only knows how to use a calculator to spell "BOOBIES" with numbers. 

Loser: Reality TV

During the pretty entertaining blooper reel near the end of the show, a thought hit me: Why weren't these, you know, in the show? Is the point of reality television that ANYTHING could happen? As mentioned above, this season – and these past few seasons, for that matter – of this show have suffered from overly familiar formulas. All the characters are version 3.0 of a more interesting person we've seen before. All the dates are rehashes of past dates; all the drama is a rewrite of past drama.

"The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" should ditch the formulas and let a series write itself – you know, the way reality TV started off and was meant to be. And if they don't want to do that (and I get why; it's harder to find stuff in the edit than on a scripted page), could they at least put these fun, human breaths of air into the show proper? After all, it's the goofy mishaps and off-script moments that truly become memorable moments when building a relationship. Put them in the show!

Winner: "The Spy Who Dumped Me"

I don't know if you heard, but Mila Kunis and Kate McKinnon star in "The Spy Who Dumped Me," only in theaters Aug. 3!