The following column is a collection of emails sent by this column's author over the last week. He is not a crackpot.

TO: Donald J. Trump for President, Inc.

FROM: Jay Bullock

SUBJECT: Databases

Sirs,

I was excited to see that your candidate, Donald Trump, has agreed to the idea at least in principle of creating a database of American Muslims. As he suggested, such a thing can only be accomplished by "good management." I would like to suggest some additional databases to be created, as once this country has good management, it would be easy to implement these and would truly make America great again, to coin a phrase.

First, we need a database of Republican candidates for president. This is not for any kind of nefarious purpose; it's just that there have been so many this cycle it is hard to keep track. If they were in some kind of centralized, computerized database, it would be really easy to sort them by any variety of measures, such as when they dropped out, height, number of "Pants on Fire" PolitFact ratings, etc. Surely, this is a task "good management" could achieve quickly.

Second, we need a database of Donald Trump supporters. These supporters have proven themselves likely over and over again to brutally assault people they disagree with at Mr. Trump's rallies. Clearly these people are dangerous, and law enforcement needs to have access to a list of these folks to keep them under surveillance so they can be stopped before they hurt anyone else. Let's be honest: Trump fans have committed more ideological violence in this country over the last year than Muslims have, so it seems like a no-brainer – perfect for your campaign.

If I can be of any assistance in creating these databases, please advise.

Yours, etc.

***

TO: Marco Rubio for President

FROM: Jay Bullock

SUBJECT: Closures

Sirs,

It's a good thing that Senator Rubio is not catching much flak for his recent statement that America doesn't just need a database of Muslims, as Donald Trump suggested, but needs to start closing down "anyplace, whether it’s a cafe, a diner, an internet site – anyplace where radicals are being inspired." But I suppose that's the advantage of being a second-tier ego candidate in a race dominated by the Republican party's id and super-ego.

I would like to propose a more comprehensive list of places "where radicals are being inspired" for the Senator to begin promoting in his campaign for president.

Let's start with Florida. Is there, to coin a phrase, a greater hive of scum and villainy in all the galaxy? There is a reason why "Florida Man" is a joke everyone immediately gets. Sure, Senator Rubio is from there, but I bet that makes him even more keenly aware of how terrible a place it is. And it's not just the swamps and the politicians – but I repeat myself! Ha! – it's also the actual criminals (though I kind of repeat myself again). I mean, Ma Barker? Pee Wee Herman? Foxy Brown? Dexter? The diaper astronaut? There's also the fact that the current governor is basically supervillain Lex Luther.

Also: Fox News. This should be shut down immediately. I submit as evidence the fact that dangerous men and women are repeating outright falsehoods promoted by that network when doing bodily harm to others. In one serious instance, a man was assaulted by those who believe he is part of a conspiracy to kill police officers. No such conspiracy exists, of course, no matter how often Fox News or other Republican candidates say such a thing. And I could go on from there – Fox lies about everything from the real threat of climate change to claiming that Dennis Miller is still funny. Shut Fox News down!

Yours, etc.

***

TO: Paul Ryan, Speaker of the US House of Representatives

FROM: Jay Bullock

SUBJECT: Borders

Sirs,

First, let me congratulate you on your ascension to Speaker. It only makes sense that you should be mere heartbeats away from leading the government that helped you so much when you were younger.

Second, I see that you have mildly tempered your party's extreme plans to close our borders to Syrian and Iraqi refugees; too bad they now hate you for it. Never mind that applying for and receiving refugee status is, without question, the least efficient way to legally enter the country. Your party has seen that a bunch of Belgian and French nationals perpetrated terror attacks in Paris and immediately decided to clamp down on an unrelated group. Iraqis, even – which is really on the nose, to coin a phrase, for the pattern of GOP displaced blame.

So let me recommend to you, as a way to perhaps win the support of your party back, that you close the border to another group: Canadians.

Hear me out. I understand Canadians' reputations as affable goofballs, and I would hate to see you seal out Neil Young. But two words: Justin Bieber.

Okay, three more words: Senator Ted Cruz. After all, he shut down the government and, let's be honest, is as unpopular with parts of your party as you are (albeit different parts). If we act now, we can maybe keep people from buying that hideous Ted Cruz coloring book for their children this Christmas; that's worse than a lump of coal, for crying out loud.

In fact, if you want to think of danger to American citizens, no refugees entering the US in the last decade have committed any crimes, but Immigrations and Customs Enforcement deports hundreds of Canadians every year. Where is the real danger, then, I ask you?

Yours, etc.

***

TO: Southwest Airlines Co.

FROM: Jay Bullock

SUBJECT: Ejections

Sirs,

It has come to my attention that people flying on your airline are exercising the right to have Muslim passengers removed from the flight if they are uncomfortable. I understand that you are taking a lot of heat for this policy, but I believe you should stand firm. It's what keeps you, to coin a phrase, flying high as great airline.

In fact, I believe you need to expand the scope of your "kick-off-the-plane" strategy. I would like to suggest additional kinds of passengers that people flying with you can have removed from the plane.

Start with people who think the anti-Muslim policy is wrong. I don't know how many of your passengers that might be, especially since they're probably already canceling their reservations with you. But you should own this thing now, and that means kicking anyone who disagrees with it off your planes.

Next, parents. It doesn't matter if they actually have their screaming baby with them or not; everyone hates it when there are annoying kids on a flight, so just start banning anyone who has children from buying tickets on your flights.

And old people, who can't lift their bags into the overheads and walk too slow down the aisles. Fat people, too, for obvious reasons, and how about all women, since they take too long in the bathrooms while lines form behind them.

To be fair, you should probably also ban Christians, since we've seen a lot of violence committed by Christians in the past year. And then you probably have to ban, say, Buddhists and Hindus too and atheists too while you're at it, since there's no way God would be interested in keeping the plane safe if there are only heathens or atheists on board.

I guess when you get down to it, if you're going to have a policy of kicking people off of flights for potential hypothetical actions they may or may not commit according to someone else's imagination, then maybe it is best if you just kick everyone off your planes. Fly them empty, just to be safe. That seems like the best plan, and I hope you consider implementing it as soon as possible.

Yours, etc.