What do you get for the baseball fan that has everything?

How about their very own major league pitcher?

OK, so it's a joke, but one Brewers fan's frustration with Jeff Suppan has led him to post this auction on eBay (We don't expect the link to stay active very long, sorry), in which he's placed the veteran right-hander for sale.

As an added bonus, he'll throw in Bill Hall absolutely free. The only catch, however, is the seller will not accept bids from Wisconsin residents.

To entice would-be buyers, the seller lists some of Suppan's statistics and qualities:

• "Durable -- Would love to pitch all nine innings regardless of the outcome.
• Starting pitcher -- At least he starts the game. However, depends on the day and how bad he pitches, he may last from one and a half innings to six.
• Highest ERA -- Milwaukee's top ERA holder. Great for any opposing team. Does not matter of the Division. Performs rock solid for the opposing team.
• A walker -- "He walks really good." Tried his best to keep them in even numbers (4, 6, 8...)
• Highest paid pitcher in the dugout -- $12.75 million
• Allows at least six runs in first five innings "

For the record, Suppan is 5-6 with a 4.86 ERA in 16 starts this season. If only Billy Mays were around to pitch this. (What, too soon?)